Likely Normal

The bathroom has always been humanity’s last refuge – a sacred space for quiet contemplation, emergency phone scrolling, and pretending not to hear the doorbell. But in our relentless quest to make everything “smart,” we’ve violated this sanctuary with gadgets that solve problems nobody had. Your toilet doesn’t need an app. Your mirror shouldn’t offer skincare advice while you’re naked and vulnerable at 7 AM. And absolutely nothing in the history of bad ideas compares to voice-controlled showerheads that force you to negotiate with an AI just to get the water temperature right.

These so-called innovations create more problems than they solve. There’s the “smart scale” that broadcasts your weight to all your devices like a town crier of shame. The “connected toothbrush” that scolds you for brushing too aggressively (maybe mind your own business, Oral-B). The humidity sensor that keeps asking if you want to “optimize your bathroom climate” when all you want is to shower in peace without your mirror fogging up with judgmental notifications. And let’s not forget the ultimate overreach – toilets with facial recognition, because apparently even our… ahem… “unique biometric patterns” need to be part of the Internet of Things.

The worst part? None of this terrible bathroom tech actually improves the experience. A regular light switch doesn’t need troubleshooting when the Wi-Fi goes out. An analog toothbrush never demands a software update mid-brush. And no one – absolutely no one – has ever wished their toilet could sync with their Google Calendar. Some places in life should remain gloriously, blissfully dumb. The bathroom isn’t just a room – it’s the last stronghold against the tech invasion, and we must defend its stupid, simple dignity at all costs.