Likely Normal

Remember the golden age of Black Friday? Those were simpler times. You’d bundle up like an Arctic explorer, camp outside Best Buy from midnight until dawn, and engage in light combat with fellow shoppers over the last $100 TV. Sure, you might’ve taken an elbow to the ribs or witnessed a grown man cry over a sold-out PlayStation, but you won. You emerged from that retail thunderdome with battle scars and a 60-inch plasma screen that cost less than your Thanksgiving dinner. It was brutal, it was beautiful, and most importantly—it was worth it.

But somewhere along the way, Black Friday lost its soul. The deals got weaker, the crowds got wiser, and corporations realized they could just… trick us. Now, instead of legendary discounts, we’re subjected to psychological sales tactics that would make a used car salesman blush. That “70% OFF!!!” banner? Oh, you mean the one on the $15 phone case that was $16.99 last week? The “Doorbuster” 4K TV that’s somehow still $800 after the discount? Please. We’ve seen the price history graphs. We know you inflated it last month just to “slash” it back to normal.

And let’s talk about the new “sales” structure. Gone are the days of walking out with a cart full of absurdly cheap loot. Now, you’re lured in by a $5 toaster—only to realize it’s a literal toaster, the kind that burns your bread while whispering malware into your Wi-Fi. The “BOGO Free” deal is just two of something nobody wanted in the first place. And don’t even get me started on “Black Friday Week,” which is really just a drawn-out spectacle of retailers recycling the same mediocre discounts while pretending it’s an event.

The worst part? We’ve become numb to it. We used to fight for deals like our lives depended on it. Now, we scroll through lightning deals at 3 AM in bed, squinting at the fine print like, “Wait… is ‘up to 50% off’ just… one pair of socks in the clearance bin?” The thrill is gone. The savings are fake. And yet, like trained lab rats, we still click “Add to Cart” when we see a timer counting down, as if the universe will reward us for falling for the oldest trick in the book.

So here we are—older, wiser, and infinitely more jaded. Black Friday used to be something to look forward to. Now, it’s just capitalism’s annual magic show, where the only disappearing act is our dignity. But hey, at least we don’t have to get punched over a waffle maker anymore. Progress.