Likely Normal

I get so annoyed with people who blast videos from their phones in public spaces like it’s their personal movie theater—one where the surround sound is tinny, the dialogue is incomprehensible, and the only available snack is your growing rage. These audio anarchists operate under the delusion that everyone within a 20-foot radius is dying to hear their TikTok scroll session or the latest episode of Real Housewives at full volume.

You’re at a nice restaurant, trying to enjoy your overpriced pasta, when suddenly the guy at the next table decides the entire dining room needs to experience his YouTube conspiracy theory documentary—“But what if birds aren’t real?!”—through his phone’s sad, distorted speakers. Meanwhile, by the pool, a sunburnt tourist treats everyone to the audio equivalent of waterboarding with her country playlist, ensuring no one will ever relax again. And let’s not forget the airport gate warriors, who subject exhausted travelers to a symphony of “Oh no, she didn’t” reality TV reactions at 6 AM.

The audacity is breathtaking. These are the same people who would never dream of standing up in a crowded room and shouting, “Hey, wanna hear something funny? Here’s 45 seconds of a dialogue-free meme with laugh track!” Yet somehow, when it comes from their phone at maximum volume, they think it’s fine.

They’re always just far enough away that you can’t make out what’s being played, but just close enough that your brain tries to fill in the gaps, leaving you trapped in a nightmare game of “Is that a news alert or a poorly recorded prank call?”

Headphones were invented for a reason, so please use them.