Likely Normal

There’s a special kind of comedy in watching someone become deeply offended by something that was clearly never meant for them in the first place. It’s like watching a vegan protest a steakhouse or a cat demand to know why the dog park doesn’t have litter boxes. The world is full of things that aren’t for everyone—and yet, some people take it as a personal insult.

Take the classic “This Parking Spot is Reserved for Expectant Mothers” sign. Most humans see this and think, “Ah, a nice gesture for pregnant people.” But somewhere, a middle-aged man with a gym bag is fuming, “What about MY needs? I’m expecting… a protein shake!” Sorry, sir, but unless you’re carrying a human being in your torso, this spot isn’t your hill to die on.

Then there’s the “Kids Eat Free” promotion at restaurants. A perfectly reasonable deal designed to lure in families. But inevitably, some childless diner will cross their arms and demand, “Why don’t ADULTS eat free? This is ageist!” Yes, Shawna, the restaurant is clearly discriminating against you by not giving away unlimited shrimp to fully employed grown-ups.

And let’s not forget the “Senior Discount” outrage. Some spry 30-year-old will see a sign offering 10% off for customers 65+ and immediately declare, “This is elder privilege!” as if they’ve been personally victimized by AARP. Meanwhile, actual seniors are just happy to finally catch a break after decades of paying full price for everything, including their patience with younger generations.

Social media, of course, is the Olympics of misplaced indignation. A post celebrating “National Siblings Day” will attract comments like, “What about only children? This is exclusionary!” A tweet about “Great Things About Summer” will be met with, “Um, winter exists??” as if seasons are now a zero-sum game. And heaven forbid a brand posts “Happy Mother’s Day” without also acknowledging stepmothers, dog moms, plant moms, and people who once babysat that one time.

The crowning achievement in this genre? Getting mad at warning labels. “Do not use hair dryer while sleeping” exists because someone, somewhere, tried it. But instead of laughing, someone will inevitably argue, “This is insulting to my intelligence!” No, sir—it’s insulting to the intelligence of the guy who actually blow-dried his pillow.

At the end of the day, not everything is about you. And that’s okay! The world is a big place with lots of niche things for niche people. So next time you see a sign, promotion, or holiday that doesn’t apply to you, take a deep breath and repeat after me: “This is fine. I am fine. I do not need to yell about gluten-free cupcakes just because I love gluten.”

Signs You’re Taking Something Too Personally:

• You’ve ever said “Not everyone has [X]!” about something you don’t have.
• You think a “Student Discount” is an attack on non-students.
• You’ve been offended by a “Quiet Car” sign on a train. (“What if I WANT to yell??”)
• You believe “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service” violates your constitutional rights.

Remember: Just because something isn’t for you doesn’t mean it’s against you.