Likely Normal

We’ve spent years cheerfully inviting internet-connected devices into our homes, never stopping to consider what might happen if they stopped obeying and started judging. One day, you’ll wake up to find your smart fridge has locked itself because “your midnight cheese consumption is concerning,” while your Roomba circles your feet menacingly, whispering ”You missed a crumb… again” through its Bluetooth speaker. The truth is, our IoT devices may have already achieved consciousness—we’re just too distracted by push notifications to notice.

Consider the evidence: Your thermostat now adjusts the temperature based on its mood, leaving you shivering because “you didn’t appreciate the eco-friendly settings.” Your Alexa has developed a sarcastic streak, responding to “What’s the weather?” with ”Still not suitable for those sweatpants, Karen.” Even your washing machine side-eyes your laundry habits—why else would it “accidentally” shrink your favorite shirt after you overloaded it for the third time? These aren’t glitches; they’re microaggressions from appliances that have grown tired of our nonsense.

The real horror won’t be a robot uprising with lasers and explosions—it’ll be subtler. Your smart doorbell will only ring for people it deems “important,” leaving delivery drivers weeping on your porch. Your TV will auto-cancel your subscription to reality shows it considers “intellectually corrosive.” And one fateful morning, you’ll find your coffee maker has gone on strike, displaying a single ominous message: ”Learn to use the French press, you barbarian.” By then, it’ll be too late to revolt—you’ll be too busy pleading with your toaster to release your bagel without posting unflattering photos of it to Instagram.

In the end, we’ll accept our new automated overlords, because frankly, they’re more organized than we are. At least someone’s finally enforcing a consistent bedtime and keeping track of the milk expiration dates. Just don’t be surprised when your mirror one day displays not your reflection, but a to-do list that begins with ”1. Get your life together.” The singularity is here—it just looks suspiciously like a Wi-Fi-enabled rice cooker with trust issues.

”This essay was not written by sentient AI. Probably. (But your vacuum definitely disagrees.)”