Likely Normal

The criminal underworld is supposedly full of diabolical geniuses, but let’s be honest—most crime fails not because of heroic cops, but because the would-be felons couldn’t outsmart a toaster. Take the Florida man who tried to rob a bank with a gun scribbled on a piece of paper in crayon. Or the burglar who called 911 because he got locked inside the house he was stealing from. These aren’t hardened criminals—they’re walking Darwin Awards with rap sheets.

Then there’s the classic “disguise” fail. One guy thought sunglasses and a fake mustache made him incognito… while robbing his own workplace, where everyone knew him. Another genius wore his high-visibility work vest to a burglary—with his name stitched on the chest. But nothing tops the would-be thief who tried to steal a TV by slowly rolling it down the street in an office chair, only to be thwarted by a slight incline and his own lack of cardio.

Even getaway plans are comedy gold. Like the carjacker who stalled the manual transmission he didn’t know how to drive, or the shoplifter who sprinted straight into a police fundraiser BBQ. Some even rat themselves out mid-crime, like the guy who live-streamed his burglary on his own Facebook, or the pair who argued over splitting the cash… in the lobby of the police station.

The lesson? Crime doesn’t pay—mostly because the average crook spends more time in the ER (or viral meme compilations) than actually profiting. So here’s to the dumb criminals: keeping cops employed, court reporters entertained, and the rest of us feeling really good about our life choices.