Likely Normal

Corporate America has officially run out of earthly places to cut corners, so naturally, the next logical step is to blast our factories into space. Forget outsourcing to China—the real money saver is manufacturing in zero gravity, where there are no pesky labor laws, environmental regulations, or even oxygen to get in the way of maximum profit margins. Imagine it: iPhones assembled by robot arms floating in a SpaceX cargo module, Amazon’s orbital fulfillment centers accidentally dropping packages into the void of space (Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin is already working on it), and Elon Musk tweeting “Production delays due to unexpected solar flare” with a straight face.

Of course, there are a few minor hurdles—like the fact that shipping costs would make “free returns” a physical impossibility, or that your “artisanally crafted in microgravity” headphones might cost $3,000 because, well, astrophysics isn’t cheap. The only real reason companies are pushing this idea is that “space manufacturing” sounds way cooler than “we’re dodging taxes.” (Though, to be fair, NASA’s been experimenting with this since the ’80s—they just forgot to monetize it properly.)

But hey, if it means we finally get those Martian-made sneakers we’ve all been waiting for (with optional moon dust treads for low-gravity traction), maybe it’s worth it. Just don’t ask customer service for a refund—your defective product is currently orbiting Saturn.

At the end of the day, space manufacturing won’t solve Earth’s problems, but it will give us something new to complain about—and isn’t that the real American dream? 🚀💸