Likely Normal

Picture this: You pat your pocket and feel… nothing. No phone. No lifeline. Just empty fabric and the cold sweat of instant regret. Your heart stops. Your palms go clammy. You suddenly understand how a snail feels without its shell—naked, vulnerable, and extremely aware that death could come at any moment.

This is the Great Phone Panic of 2019, and you are its latest victim.

At first, denial sets in. “Maybe I left it in the car?” you lie to yourself, even though you know you were just scrolling through it on the couch two minutes ago. You retrace your steps with the intensity of a detective in a murder mystery, except the victim is you, and the killer is your own forgetfulness.

Then comes the bargaining. “If I find it, I swear I’ll stop mindlessly doomscrolling.” (You won’t.) You start shaking out couch cushions like they’re hiding state secrets. You check the fridge, because apparently, your subconscious believes your phone might have gotten hungry. You even peek in the bathroom, just in case it decided to take a dip in the toilet without you.

The real kicker? When you finally find it—on the kitchen counter, exactly where you left it—the relief is so overwhelming you almost cry. You clutch it to your chest like a long-lost child, vowing never to part again. Then you immediately open Instagram and forget this entire trauma ever happened.

Here’s the truth: We’re all just one misplaced phone away from becoming feral animals. Without it, we don’t know what time it is, what we’re supposed to be doing, or how to function as a human being. We’ve outsourced our entire existence to these little black rectangles, and the moment they go missing, we revert to caveman brain. “No phone. Only panic.”

So next time you feel that jolt of terror when you can’t find your device, just remember: You’re not overreacting. You’re simply a modern human who has been severed from the digital umbilical cord. Now go hug your phone and promise it you’ll never lose it again. (Until tomorrow, when history inevitably repeats itself.)