Likely Normal

There’s nothing quite like joining a multiplayer game’s voice chat, only to be immediately assaulted by the cacophony of humanity’s most unhinged background noise. It’s like walking into a bizarre audio zoo where every exhibit is someone who’s forgotten their microphone has a mute function.

You’ve got the Coughing Connoisseur, who sounds like they’re auditioning for a tuberculosis documentary. Every dry hack and phlegmy explosion echoes through your headset like they’re mic’d up inside their own lungs. Then there’s the Snack Fiend, whose open mic broadcasts the violent crunching of chips directly into your eardrums at a volume that suggests they’re eating through a megaphone. At some point, you’ll hear the unmistakable sound of someone aggressively licking their fingers, and you’ll question all your life choices.

But nothing compares to the “I Forgot I Was in Voice Chat” Performer. Suddenly, you’re treated to a one-man show featuring:

• A dramatic argument with their mom about taking out the trash
• A barking dog that sounds like it’s actively breaking into their room
• The distant wails of a sibling’s YouTube video bleeding through their walls
• Their own off-key humming of whatever song is stuck in their head

And just when you think it can’t get worse, someone’s smoke detector starts chirping. For the seventh straight match. It’s the gaming equivalent of Chinese water torture—each beep another step closer to madness.

The true MVP is always the one player who remains completely silent the entire time, only to finally speak up at the very end: “Uh… guys? I think my mic’s been on this whole time.” Congratulations. We all heard your entire life unfold. Please, for the love of all things holy, learn what the mute button does.