Likely Normal

We’ve reached a bizarre crossroads where your Alexa probably knows your partner’s birthday before you do, and your Google search history has more intimate details about your life than your mother. Our digital footprints—every impulsive Amazon purchase, every midnight “why is my elbow clicking?” search, every awkward voice command to Siri—have become a buffet for AI to analyze, predict, and ultimately out-romance us. “Based on your partner’s Spotify playlists and DoorDash orders, may we suggest: a scented candle and couples therapy?”

Gone are the days of actually thinking about gifts—now we just outsource the emotional labor to algorithms. “Hey Siri, what says ‘I love you’ but also ‘I forgot until the last minute’ in the 20−20−30 range?” It’s like having a robotic wingman who’s a little too good at its job. Sure, it’s convenient when AI reminds you your mom hates lilies, but it’s also low-key terrifying that a server farm in Nebraska knows your girlfriend’s bra size before you’ve even met her parents.

And let’s talk about the real victim here: effort. Why bother remembering your best friend’s coffee order when Starbucks’ AI already has it memorized? Why learn your kid’s allergies when your smart fridge can just yell at you for buying peanuts? We’re trading personal connection for convenience, and honestly? It’s getting awkward. Nothing says “I cherish our bond” like letting a chatbot pick your anniversary gift because “it had better data.”

So next time your phone nudges you to “Tell your boss happy birthday!”, maybe… call him instead? Or at least type the text yourself.