Likely Normal

If there’s one thing SHIELD agents excel at (besides dramatic trench coat entrances and surviving improbable explosions), it’s preparing for the absolute worst-case scenario. And by “preparing,” we mean writing ridiculously detailed contingency manuals that account for everything from alien invasions to Tony Stark forgetting to charge his armor.

The Standard SHIELD Emergency Protocol (Abridged Version)

Every SHIELD agent is issued a 3,000-page manual titled “What to Do When Everything Goes Horribly Wrong (Again).” Highlights include:

• Section 4.7.12: “Procedures for When Thor Accidentally Summons a Lightning Storm Indoors (Again)” – Includes evacuation routes, surge protector recommendations, and a strongly worded suggestion to stop letting him drink mead near electronics.

• Section 9.3.5: “Handling Unauthorized Hulk Appearances in Non-Hulk-Proof Locations” – Features subcategories like:

  • “If he’s in a Starbucks” (Offer him a venti chamomile and back away slowly.)

  • “If he’s on a Helicarrier” (Pray. Then activate the “Oh God, Not Again” drop pods.)

• Section 12.0.1: “Dealing with Loki’s Latest Shenanigans” – Mostly just “Call the Avengers” underlined 17 times, followed by “But also maybe check if it’s actually Loki this time or just a really convincing LMD.”

Specialized Department Manuals

• The Science Division’s “How to Survive Working with Tony Stark” handbook includes:

  • *”Mandatory 24-hour coffee supply.”*

  • “Do not, under any circumstances, ask if his tech is ‘finished yet.’”

  • “If he starts monologuing about revolutionary new tech, assume it will explode in 5… 4… 3…”

• The Logistics Team’s “Budgeting for Superhero-Related Property Damage” is just a single line:

  • “LOL. Good luck.”

• The HR Department’s “Conflict Resolution for Emotionally Volatile Superhumans” suggests:

  • “Let them punch it out. Then send the bill to Stark.”

The Real Most-Classified Manual

Rumor has it there’s a top-secret, Fury-approved document called:
“What to Do If Captain America Says Language.”

• Step 1: “Alert all personnel—this is a Code ‘Holy Sh— I Mean, Heck.’”

• Step 2: “Distribute earplugs to any nearby agents under 18.”

• Step 3: “Assume the world is ending, because if Steve Rogers is cursing, we are ALL screwed.”

Final Thoughts

At the end of the day, SHIELD’s contingency plans are less about preparedness and more about accepting that superheroes are walking disaster magnets. The real unsung hero? The poor intern who has to update the manual every time someone invents a new way to break reality.

(Disclaimer: By reading this document, you acknowledge that SHIELD is not responsible for any sudden invasions, time loops, or existential crises. Please sign here, here, and here. And here. And—you know what, just initial every page.)