Likely Normal

Picture this: Deep in some candlelit bunker beneath a Swiss bank, the world’s most powerful secret societies are holding an emergency meeting. The Grand Master of the Illuminati paces furiously, his robes swishing as he glares at a Bloomberg Terminal that’s currently displaying a WallStreetBets thread titled: “We Like the Stock (🚀🚀🚀).”

“Brothers,” he says gravely, “we may have miscalculated.”

I imagine the Freemasons sweating under their ceremonial aprons as they refresh r/Superstonk, watching in horror as a guy with the username “ApeFest2025” explains, in crayon-level terms, how to break the entire short-selling system. The ancient scrolls of economic manipulation did not prepare them for “buy and hold lol.”

I imagine a panicked Bilderberg member slamming his fist on the table: “We spent DECADES rigging the markets, and now some kid in a Chewbacca onesie is doing it better from his mom’s basement?!” Someone else mutters, “At least when we crashed economies, we had the decency to wear suits.”

I imagine the Bohemian Grove guys—normally so chill about their weird owl rituals—absolutely LOSING IT because Redditors have somehow turned a failing video game store into a financial weapon. “Our dark rituals were supposed to control the markets, not memes!” one wails, while another desperately Googles “how to short a meme.”

I imagine the Rosicrucians hastily scribbling new prophecies to explain why “HODL” is now the most powerful incantation in finance. The Templars, meanwhile, are quietly liquidating their gold reserves to buy AMC stock, because if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

And I imagine, somewhere, a single Reddit user—snacking on tendies, utterly unaware of the chaos they’ve caused—posting: “lol why is CNBC crying?” while the shadowy elites scream into their ergonomic office chairs.

The lesson? You don’t need ancient secrets to control the world. You just need enough idiots agreeing on the same dumb idea.