Likely Normal

Happy New Year, everyone! As we start another year, I want to discuss smart home technology.  The promise of smart home technology was simple: appliances that anticipate our needs, streamline our lives, and generally behave like helpful robot butlers. The reality? A fridge that insists you’re “low on milk” when you’ve got three gallons in the door, or a grocery list auto-populated with “bananas” every single day because you bought them once in 2019 and now your smart kitchen is convinced you’re some kind of potassium-obsessed maniac. These devices don’t just misunderstand us—they judge us, loudly and incorrectly, like a know-it-all roommate who’s never actually opened the fridge.

Take the “expiration date panic” feature, where your smart fridge slaps a virtual “Throw me out now” label on perfectly good yogurt because it distrusts your ability to sniff-test dairy like a normal human. Meanwhile, it remains suspiciously silent about the mystery Tupperware in the back that’s begun its journey toward becoming a new life form. Or consider the “recipe suggestions” that assume because you bought cilantro, you must be preparing an elaborate Mexican feast—never mind that you were just garnishing a sad microwave burrito. The audacity peaks when your smart oven preheats itself because it “thought you might want to bake,” despite all evidence suggesting you haven’t voluntarily turned on an oven since the Bush administration.

The worst offenders are the shopping lists these devices generate—a chaotic mix of items you did need (but already bought), items you’ve never needed (who eats kumquats?), and items that suggest your appliances are gaslighting you (“You’re out of eggs,” it declares, as you stare at a full carton). It’s like living with a passive-aggressive grocery poltergeist.

In the end, these gadgets aren’t smart—they’re just loud. They’re the equivalent of a backseat driver who doesn’t know the route but insists on navigating anyway. So next time your fridge warns you about low cheese levels, remember: You’re the human here. Unplug it, eat a slice straight from the block like the adult you are, and relish the silence of a dumb appliance that judges you quietly.