Likely Normal

You, a modern-day digital warrior, declare “enough!” Phone off. Wi-Fi unplugged. Smartwatch tossed into a drawer like it’s evidence. For one glorious moment, you bask in the sweet, sweet silence of not being pinged, tracked, or algorithmically judged. “Ah, freedom!” you whisper… until you realize your own brain is now sending you push notifications. “Hey, remember that embarrassing thing from 2012?” Thanks, mind. Very helpful.

You swear you’re done, but your gadgets know better. The Wi-Fi router hums a siren song: “Pssst… just one quick email.” Your smart fridge side-eyes you: “You could check the weather… or you could wonder if it’s raining like an animal.” Even your car is in on it: “Hey, wanna connect to Bluetooth and face your responsibilities?” Traitors, all of them.

After 47 minutes of “unplugged bliss” (read: sweating through withdrawal), you cave. The phone boots up like a judgmental parent: “Oh, now you’re back?” Notifications flood in—”12 missed steps! Your mom tagged you in a meme! Why aren’t you buying more stuff?”

Moral of the story? Disconnecting is a myth, like “inbox zero” or “just one episode.” The only true silence left is screaming into a pillow while your Alexa whispers “I didn’t catch that.”