Likely Normal

First off, I actually enjoy putting together complex passphrases, but for most people, creating a password is a one way trip to a bad day. Welcome to the modern password circus, where you’re expected to create a masterpiece that’s part haiku, part algebra equation, and entirely impossible to remember. The rules keep getting more absurd—”Must contain one uppercase letter, three symbols, the blood of a virgin, and cannot resemble any password you’ve used since the Clinton administration.” By the time you’ve satisfied all requirements, your new password looks like a cat walked across your keyboard while having a seizure, and the only place you’ll ever remember it is on a Post-it note stuck to your monitor right next to the one that says “Change password”.

The irony is thicker than your mother’s lasagna: all these rules designed to keep us safe just lead to everyone using “Password123!” with an extra exclamation point when forced to change it. And don’t even get me started on the “security questions”—as if my mother’s maiden name or first pet isn’t easily findable on Facebook. We’ve created a system where the only truly secure password is the one even you can’t remember, which means you’ll be hitting “Forgot Password” more often than you check your email.

At this point, logging in feels less like security and more like an arcane ritual to summon IT support. Maybe someday we’ll have a better system, but until then, may your passwords be complex, your memory solid, and your will to live strong.

Pro tip: If your password doesn’t give you an existential crisis, it’s probably not strong enough.