Likely Normal

Let’s talk about the unspoken horror of workplace music—the sonic purgatory designed to make you question your life choices while you file TPS reports. Whether it’s the dentist-office jazz at your cubicle or the aggressively cheerful pop in retail, bad work music is the emotional equivalent of being waterboarded with a pan flute.

The Five Circles of Workplace Music Hell

1. The Never-Ending Smooth Jazz Abyss
Somewhere, a saxophonist is weeping into his instrument because his soulful rendition of “Careless Whisper” has been reduced to Muzak for people buying printer paper. This is the soundtrack of purgatory—music so inoffensive it loops back around to being a war crime. “Oh good, it’s the 47th instrumental cover of ‘Hello’ by Adele today. My will to live is thriving.”

2. Retail Radio: Forced Happiness at Gunpoint
If you’ve ever worked retail, you’ve experienced the psychological warfare of hearing the same five Top 40 songs every 20 minutes until your brain melts. By hour six, even the happiest pop anthem sounds like a dystopian chant. “Yes, I do want to ‘Shake It Off,’ preferably off a cliff.”

3. The Hold Music That Feels Like a Hostage Situation
You call customer service for help, only to be trapped in an endless loop of synthetic hold music that sounds like a dying robot humming “My Heart Will Go On.” Ten minutes in, you start hallucinating that the hold message is judging you. “Your call is important to us… but not important enough to spare you this audio nightmare.”

4. The Café Playlist That Thinks It’s Deep
Ah yes, nothing pairs with your overpriced avocado toast like a melancholic indie folk song about a breakup from 2014. Bonus points if the lyrics are barely audible whispers over an acoustic guitar that haunts your dreams. “Is this music, or did someone accidentally record a sad ghost sighing into a microphone?”

5. The Coworker Who ‘Just Needs a Little Energy!’
This is the person who blasts motivational EDM at their desk like they’re hosting a rave in the middle of Accounting. Meanwhile, you’re three seats away, trying to concentrate while what sounds like a dubstep washing machine rattles your sanity. “If I hear ‘Don’t Stop Believin’’ one more time, I will stop believing… in humanity.”

Why Do We Endure This?

Because somewhere, a corporate overlord decided that silence is unprofessional, but subjecting employees to the same 12 songs on loop is good for morale. The truth? We’re all just slowly losing our minds together, one neutered pop cover at a time.

So next time you find yourself humming a muzak version of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” against your will, remember: you’re not alone. We’re all prisoners of the playlist.