Likely Normal

Nothing makes you question your life choices quite like reading a data breach report and realizing some random company has been hoarding your personal information like a digital dragon sitting on a pile of gold—except instead of gold, it’s your old passwords, shopping habits, and that one embarrassing email address you created in 2009.

The real horror isn’t just that your data was stolen—it’s discovering what was stolen. That free astrology app you forgot about? It’s been quietly tracking your mood swings for years. That sketchy online quiz you took in college? Congrats, your “Which Friends Character Are You?” results are now on the dark web alongside your Social Security number. And let’s not forget the pièce de résistance: your entire search history, revealing that time you Googled “how to fold a fitted sheet” 37 times before giving up and using it as a ghost costume.

The worst part? You know there’s more lurking out there. Somewhere, a server farm is storing your pizza toppings preferences from 2015, your half-filled gym membership form, and that angry Yelp review you wrote but never posted. Data breaches don’t just expose your info—they expose you, in all your weird, messy, “why did I ever type that?” glory.