Likely Normal

Horoscopes are just astrology’s way of gaslighting you into thinking that the month you were born in determines the rest of your life. “Mercury is in retrograde!” Cool. So is my motivation, but you don’t see me blaming planets for it. Horoscopes are so broadly applicable that they could be interpreted as fitting anyone.

Why Horoscopes Are Nonsense (But We Read Them Anyway)

1. Vague Enough to Apply to Anyone

   • “You’re going through a period of change.” Wow. Groundbreaking. I also change my socks.

   • “A financial opportunity may arise!” Yeah, it’s called my paycheck, and it’s already spent on rent and regret.

2. Selective Memory at Its Finest

   • If the horoscope says “Today, you’ll meet someone special!” and you talk to a barista, suddenly you’re like, “Wow, cosmic accuracy!”

   • If it says “Avoid risks today” and you stub your toe, you still nod sagely like, “The stars warned me.”

3. The Barnum Effect (Or: Why You’re Falling for This)

   • Horoscopes are basically fortune cookies for people who own too many crystals.

   • “You’re creative but sometimes insecure.” Wow. You just described every human ever. Where’s my Nobel Prize?

Real-Life Horoscope Translations

• Aries: “Your fiery passion will lead you to success!” → You’ll yell at a coworker and call it “leadership.”

• Taurus: “Your stubbornness is a strength!” → You’ll argue about pizza toppings for 20 minutes.

• Gemini: “Your dual nature keeps things exciting!” → You’ll cancel plans last minute and blame your “mood.”

• Cancer: “Your emotions run deep!” → You cried at a car commercial and ate ice cream for dinner.

• Leo: “All eyes are on you today!” → You wore something ridiculous and now people are staring.

• Virgo: “Your attention to detail is unmatched!” → You spent 45 minutes reorganizing a spreadsheet no one will ever see.

• Libra: “You seek balance in all things!” → You took 30 minutes to pick a lunch spot and still regretted it.

• Scorpio: “Your intensity draws people in!” → You made awkward eye contact and now HR is involved.

• Sagittarius: “Adventure calls!” → You got lost in a Target and considered it a “journey.”

• Capricorn: “Your hard work will pay off!” → You sent one email and took a three-hour nap.

• Aquarius: “You’re a visionary!” → You pitched a terrible idea in a meeting and got politely ignored.

• Pisces: “Your imagination knows no bounds!” → You zoned out for an hour thinking about what dogs dream about.

The Only Horoscope You’ll Ever Need

✨ “Today, some stuff will happen. You’ll react to it. Some of it will be good, some bad, and most of it will be forgotten by next week. The end.” ✨

So next time you read your horoscope, just remember: it’s not divine guidance—it’s a BuzzFeed quiz written by someone who definitely still has their Hogwarts house in their Tinder bio.