Likely Normal

Nothing makes you question your tax dollars quite like watching a city crew repair a pothole. What should be a simple process – “fill hole with asphalt, move on with life” – somehow becomes a municipal ballet of inefficiency, with more workers standing around than actual work happening.

The scene always plays out the same:

First comes the Early Morning Cone Deployment Team, a crack squad of three workers who spend 45 minutes arranging traffic cones in what can only be described as “modern art.” They’ll block off two lanes for a pothole the size of a dinner plate, creating a traffic snarl visible from space.

Then arrives the Observation Committee – four city employees leaning on shovels, nodding thoughtfully at the crater like archaeologists examining a dinosaur fossil. One will poke it with a stick while another takes photos for what I assume is the city’s “Potholes Through The Ages” coffee table book.

By lunchtime, the Heavy Equipment Division rolls in with enough machinery to build a skyscraper. A backhoe the size of a small house will be deployed to move what amounts to one wheelbarrow of asphalt. The operator spends 20 minutes adjusting his seat, another 15 consulting the manual, and finally 37 seconds actually doing the job.

Meanwhile, the Safety Oversight Task Force (six more people in neon vests) stands in a circle discussing the weather, while one guy holds a “SLOW” sign upside-down. Every fifteen minutes, they’ll all rotate positions with the solemnity of the Changing of the Guard at Buckingham Palace.

Just when you think they might actually fix something, the Union-Mandated Break Delegation takes over. The crew disappears for 90 minutes, leaving behind a single shovel stuck in the pavement like Excalibur – taunting commuters who must now navigate an obstacle course of cones protecting… absolutely nothing.

When work finally resumes, the Asphalt Application Specialists dump enough blacktop to repave the entire street, only to have the Compaction Technician (a guy who clearly drew the short straw) spend 45 minutes tamping it down with what appears to be a modified cafeteria tray.

By day’s end, the Cleanup Crew arrives – four more workers who will spend two hours collecting the eight cones, during which time three new potholes will spontaneously emerge nearby. The job site will remain coned off for three additional days to let it cure.