Likely Normal

I often have to kick myself when I lend something out with the naive hope that it will return to me in the same condition, or at all. Somewhere in the universe, there’s a black hole where pens, chargers, and basic human decency disappear forever.

The Phantom Borrower

This person borrows your favorite pen just to sign one thing—and suddenly, it’s gone. Like a ghost, they deny ever touching it. “What pen?” they ask, as your once-beloved writing instrument slowly fades from existence, joining the lost socks and forgotten dreams of mankind.

The Destroyer of Nice Things

You lend them your brand-new book, and it comes back looking like it survived a tornado, a mudslide, and a toddler’s breakfast. Pages folded, spine cracked, mysterious stains that may or may not be edible. “Oh, I dropped it in the bath,” they say casually, as if books aren’t supposed to be waterproof.

The Charger Bandit

They “just need to borrow your phone charger for a sec.” A week later, you find it tangled beyond recognition, the cord stretched like it’s been through a medieval torture device. “Yeah, my dog kinda chewed it,” they admit, as if that explains why it smells like barbecue sauce.

The Never-Return Policy Enthusiast

This borrower operates under the assumption that “borrow” actually means “adopt permanently.” Your umbrella? Theirs now. Your favorite hoodie? Part of their wardrobe. Your will to live? Gone. When you finally ask for it back, they act offended. “Oh, I forgot you wanted this!” they say, as if you were just gifting them your belongings out of the goodness of your heart.

The Gaslighting Guru

The worst kind. You know you lent them your stapler. You remember handing it over. But they look you dead in the eye and say, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Suddenly, you’re questioning reality. Did you imagine the stapler? Did it ever exist? Are you the crazy one?

How to Protect Yourself

1. Start a deposit system. Want to borrow my headphones? That’ll be one kidney as collateral.

2. Buy decoy items. A $2 pen from the dollar store? Sure, take it. My good pen? Locked in a safe.

3. Become a borrower yourself. Fight fire with fire. “Oh, you want your lawnmower back? Funny, I was just about to ask for my will to live.”

At this point, we should just accept that lending things is an act of faith—like believing in unicorns or that one day your ex will apologize.

So next time someone asks to borrow something, just sigh deeply and say: “Sure, but remember—if it doesn’t come back, neither do you.”