Likely Normal

Mindfulness apps are the digital equivalent of a yoga instructor whispering “just be present” while your phone buzzes with 47 unread Slack messages. We’ve reached peak modern absurdity when we need a $12.99/month subscription to remind us to stop and smell the roses, a phrase that now comes with push notifications, a meditation streak counter, and ads for artisanal rose-scented candles.

The irony is rich: these apps promise to reduce screen time while guilting you into daily 10-minute sessions where you stare at your phone, resisting the urge to check email while a soothing voice insists “let go of distractions.” The most popular feature? The “emergency calm-down” button for when you’re seconds away of throwing your laptop out a window—which, coincidentally, is also when the app picks to ask “How about leaving a 5-star review?”

Then there’s the “sleep stories,” bedtime tales for overstimulated adults, narrated by someone whose voice is so unnaturally calm, it loops back to being suspicious. “Imagine you’re walking through a forest…” they murmur, as you lie there wondering if your brain’s too broken to imagine anything without a guided audio track. The app’s sleep metrics will later shame you for “restlessness” (read: daring to roll over) and suggest a “deep relaxation pack” (read: give us more money).

The crowning jewel? “Mindful notifications.” Nothing says “inner peace” like your watch buzzing aggressively to remind you to “check in with your body.” (My body’s fine, thanks. It’s my inbox that’s screaming.) These apps are less about mindfulness and more about monetizing our collective inability to sit quietly for 30 seconds without reaching for dopamine. But hey, at least now we can say we’re “working on ourselves” while ignoring our therapist’s actual advice.