Likely Normal

There’s something uniquely hilarious—and slightly terrifying—about watching a grown adult sprint full-speed down a sidewalk, eyes glued to their phone, only to slam into a lamppost because a digital Charizard just appeared. Thanks to augmented reality games like Pokémon Go, our streets have become a bizarre obstacle course where the real dangers aren’t Team Rocket, but distracted players who’ve forgotten that trees, pedestrians, and small children exist in the physical world.

You’ve seen it happen. A pack of trainers descends upon a park like a herd of sleep-deprived zombies, all shuffling in erratic patterns, stopping abruptly mid-stride to flick their fingers at invisible creatures. Normal people just trying to enjoy a picnic suddenly find themselves dodging a human whirlwind of flailing arms and excited shouts of “I got a shiny!” Meanwhile, some poor soul walking their dog nearly gets tripped by a player lunging for a Zubat that, in their mind, was totally worth it.

The real victims? Anyone standing near a PokéStop or Gym. These poor, unsuspecting souls become collateral damage in the war for virtual territory. Grandmas get jostled. Couples on dates are photo bombed by a dude in a Pikachu hat aggressively tapping his screen. And let’s not forget the true horror: the player who abandons all social decorum to loiter in your driveway because your house is somehow a Gengar nest. (No, Karen, you cannot “just come in real quick” to check for ghosts. This is private property, not the Lavender Town Pokémon Tower.)

Worst of all are the Pokémon Go drivers—the ones who treat red lights as prime catching opportunities, swerving slightly as they curve ball a Pidgey at 30 mph. Traffic laws? More like suggestions when there’s a Dragonite nearby.

At the end of the day, we all just want to catch ‘em all. But maybe—just maybe—we could do it without trampling strangers, ignoring crosswalks, or turning quiet neighborhoods into battlegrounds for digital monsters. Or at the very least, apologize when you hip-check someone into a bush. “Sorry, ma’am, but that was a 3-star Mewtwo. You understand.”