Likely Normal

We live in the golden age of reviews—a time when every purchase, no matter how mundane, demands a dramatic soliloquy about its quality. Gone are the days when we simply used things; now, we must rate them with the gravitas of a Michelin inspector reviewing a gas station hot dog.

The Five Types of Reviewers

• The Poet – “This toaster doesn’t just brown bread—it kisses each slice with the warmth of a thousand suns. Five stars, would toast again.”
• The Grievance Archivist – “I ordered a blue shirt. They sent me cerulean. My life is ruined. One star.”
• The Unhelpful Enthusiast – “Best product ever!!!!”* (No details. No context. Just vibes.)
• The Conspiracy Theorist – “This shampoo made my hair too soft. Big Hair is hiding something. Two stars.”
• The Accidental Reviewer – “I don’t know how this got here. My grandson bought it for me. Three stars?”

The Art of the Overly Specific Review

Modern reviews read like niche fanfiction:

• “The vacuum works great, but the way it hums reminds me of my ex. Minus one star for emotional trauma.”
• “This hotel had great Wi-Fi, but the painting in the lobby stared into my soul. Four stars.”
• “I’ve never actually used this product, but the box was nice. Five stars for potential.”

The Dark Side of Reviews

Somewhere along the way, we all became self-appointed quality control experts:

• Forgetting We’re Reviewing a $5 Spatula – “The ergonomics are questionable, and the handle lacks sophistication. Would not gift to my worst enemy.”
• Blaming the Product for Our Own Crimes – “This scale said I gained 10 lbs. False. One star.”
• The Vengeful Review – “The restaurant refused to comp my meal after I brought my own ketchup. Zero stars.  May they burn.”

The Real Reason We Write Reviews

Let’s be honest—most of us aren’t helping future shoppers. We’re just chasing that sweet, sweet dopamine hit of feeling heard. Whether it’s praising a $2 pencil like it’s the pinnacle of human engineering or declaring war on a coffee maker that dared to leak, reviews are our way of saying: “I exist, and my opinions on this garden hose matter.”

Review culture: ⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ (Four stars—would critique again, but only if emotionally invested.)