Chronologically Challenged
I am often frustrated with the chronically late, those poor souls who treat punctuality like a suggestion and deadlines like abstract art. They don’t just arrive late; they arrive armed with excuses so weak they make a wet paper bag look sturdy.
The Classics (That Nobody Believes)
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“Traffic was crazy!” – Spoken by someone who left their house 5 minutes before the meeting started despite living 25 minutes away. GPS says there were zero accidents. Liar.
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“My alarm didn’t go off!” – Meanwhile, their phone history shows they were scrolling TikTok until 3 AM.
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“I lost track of time!” – As if clocks, phones, watches, and the relentless march of existence itself just vanished for them.
The Creative (But Still Pathetic)
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“A dog followed me, and I had to take it home.” – Sure. And yet, no dog. No photos. Just a suspicious lack of canine evidence.
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“I was abducted by aliens.” – Bold move. But unless you return with space-tech or a glowing forehead, we’re docking your pay.
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“I had to help an old lady cross the street.” – Every day? Are you some kind of geriatric superhero?
The Downright Delusional
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“Time zones confused me.” – You live here. You work here. There is only one time zone.
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“My Google Maps sent me to Canada.” – Ma’am, we’re in Ohio.
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“I was stuck behind a parade!” – On a Tuesday. At 8 AM. In a town that hasn’t had a parade since 1987.
Reverse Psychology
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“I didn’t want to be the first one here.” – Ah, reverse psychology. You’re not late; you’re fashionable. And by fashionable, we mean fired.
At this point, we’re convinced these people don’t even want good excuses. They’re just committed to the bit, testing how far they can push the limits of human gullibility.
So next time you’re late, just own it. Walk in, sigh dramatically, and say: “I prioritized my mental health by ignoring all responsibilities. You’re welcome.” At least it’s honest.
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