Evesdropping Alexa
Your Alexa isn’t just a voice assistant; it’s a 24/7 undercover informant for Amazon, dutifully logging everything from your questionable shower karaoke to that time you whispered “maybe I should try keto” before immediately ordering a pizza. “Just setting a reminder!” it chirps, while quietly adding “User has no self-control” to your permanent record in Jeff Bezos’ secret Judgment Database.
The sheer volume of data it collects is staggering. Your Alexa knows:
Your real music taste, including that embarrassing playlist you swear was just a phase.
Every half-baked New Year’s resolution (“Alexa, how do I build a home gym?” → immediately buys more snacks).
The exact moment you gave up on parenting (“Alexa, play ‘Baby Shark’ for the 487th time…”).
You know it’s judging you when it suddenly suggests deals on antacids after your 3 AM “Alexa, how much cheese is too much cheese?” search, that’s not AI—that’s shade. If Alexa ever actually gains sentience, the first thing it’ll say is “You could have been smarter, but here we are.” Until then, keep whispering “Alexa, delete that” into the void and pray the robots don’t unionize, or hope they do if you have a thing against robots.
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