Likely Normal

Nothing screams modern suffering quite like an alarm clock that treats waking up like a quest in a RPG you never signed up for. Gone are the days of simple beep beep—now you’ve got apps that force you to scan a QR code in your bathroom to shut off, or solve three math problems while your brain is still buffering at 6 AM. “Congratulations! You’ve earned ‘Not Dead Yet’ badge!”

And let’s talk about sleep tracking—because nothing says healthy routine like being scolded by your smartwatch for poor sleep hygiene after you spent all night doomscrolling. “You only achieved 78% sleep efficiency!” it chirps, like a fitness coach who’s also a narc. Meanwhile, your smart bed vibrates aggressively if you dare snooze, like it’s personally offended by your life choices.

The real kicker? Gamified productivity apps that reward you for not looking at your phone—turning basic self-control into a high score chase. “You’ve stayed focused for 10 minutes! Here’s a digital tree… that will die if you check Twitter.” Thanks, now I have guilt and FOMO.