Likely Normal

We’ve officially reached peak absurdity in the digital age: needing an app to teach us how to sit still and breathe. Think about it—humanity survived for millennia without guided meditations, ambient rainforest soundscapes, or subscription-based enlightenment, yet here we are in 2024, paying $12.99 a month for a soothing voice to remind us not to think about work for five whole minutes. The irony is almost poetic. Our ancestors found zen in silence; we find it in a push notification that says “Time for your mindfulness break!”—which we immediately ignore to finish scrolling through Twitter.

The real joke? These apps are just band-aids for the very problems technology created. We’re so overstimulated from endless screens, notifications, and the 47 tabs open in our brains that we now need more technology to undo the damage. Nothing says “inner peace” like frantically closing all your apps to meditate, only to get interrupted by a Slack message from your boss titled “URGENT!!  Half the time, “meditation” just turns into a 10-minute nap where you wake up drooling on your phone, which is now blaring Tibetan singing bowls at full volume.

Worse yet, we’ve gamified relaxation. We chase streaks, earn digital badges for “not checking email during breathing exercises,” and measure our progress in mindful minutes like they’re Fitbit steps. If Buddha had seen this, he’d have facepalmed under the Bodhi tree. The ultimate test? Try meditating without an app. Just sit there. Within seconds, you’ll either fall asleep, remember that awkward thing you did in 2012, or reach for your phone to post about how present you feel.

At this point, we’re not seeking enlightenment—we’re outsourcing serenity to Silicon Valley. But hey, if it takes a premium subscription to convince us to stop doomscrolling for five minutes, maybe that’s the modern version of nirvana. Namaste… or whatever.