Likely Normal

Forget Peloton and CrossFit—if you want real functional fitness, just have kids. Suddenly, your daily exercise routine isn’t some carefully curated regimen; it’s an Olympic sport about how many times can I bend over today before my back gives out?”

Every parent knows the struggle: You spend $100 on a gym membership you never use, only to discover that chasing a toddler provides better cardio than any treadmill. Those fitness trackers buzzing about “inactivity” clearly haven’t witnessed the sheer athleticism required to:

• Squat-lunge across the living room, picking up LEGO bricks like they’re landmines (because they are).
• Deadlift a pile of stuffed animals so large it could qualify as a small zoo.
• Overhead press a grocery bag while simultaneously holding a screaming child who just realized their favorite cup is in the dishwasher.
• Speed-walk through Target because your 4-year-old just bolted toward the toy aisle like it’s the damn Hunger Games.

And let’s talk about step count. You may not have time for a proper walk, but pacing the house at midnight looking for a lost pacifier adds up. By the time they’re teenagers, you’ll have logged enough steps to circumnavigate the globe—or at least the couch, where they leave all their stuff.

Unlike a personal trainer, your kids don’t charge extra for motivation. They’ll scream “again!” as you push them on a swing for the 87th time (hello, shoulder endurance!). They’ll force you into impromptu dance parties (cardio!). And they’ll ensure you never skip core day by constantly needing to be carried, piggybacked, or rescued from whatever furniture they’ve climbed like a tiny, reckless mountain goat.

So next time your fitness tracker shames you for only taking 5,000 steps, just laugh. You didn’t just walk those steps—you did them while holding a sleeping child, dodging Hot Wheels, and resisting the urge to collapse. That’s not just exercise. That’s parenting on hard mode.